


Written in Scars

by Youknowitall



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-23 00:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6098425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youknowitall/pseuds/Youknowitall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is where I'll post my Collection of Linstead One Shots, some may be AU, some not.<br/>Each chapter is a story on it's own except if I note otherwise. ( Rated from T to M )<br/>Happy reading ... </p><p>First Chapter : Written in Scars    / Rated ( T )</p><p>He could still feel his cheek burning from where she slapped him. His hand grazed over it to ease the pain. She really hit him, in front of all these people. He was standing in the middle of the casino like an idiot, watching as her petite form disappeared in a golden dress with golden heels into the cold November night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Written in Scars ( Rated T )

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you @Laurabella2930 for being my BETA. It's wonderful to work with you.

Written in Scars

 

He could still feel his cheek burning from where she slapped him. His hand grazed over it to ease the pain. She really hit him, in front of all these people. He was standing in the middle of the casino like an idiot, watching as her petite form disappeared in a golden dress with golden heels into the cold November night. They were undercover to catch false cops and he knew he needed to move, but his legs wouldn't.

"Jay, where are you? Get into the car and follow your partner!" He heard Voight over the coms.

"Yes Sir." He answered as his mind finally landed back in reality. He ran out of the doors and saw Ruzek waiting for him. He jumped into the passenger seat of the black SUV. He watched the lights of the city pass by. He had a hard time keeping his thoughts from wandering towards prior events. He knew that things went south somewhere and that the fight he had with his girl wasn't only for show. Jay couldn't figure out what he'd said that had upset Erin so greatly.

"You can call her now." Ruzek said. Jay's head snapped over to look at Ruzek who eyed him suspiciously.

" What do you mean?" Jay asked.

"Everything ok with you?" He asked him concerned. "The plan, call Lindsay to see if she's not answering so we can make an arrest!" Ruzek added.

"Oh yeah, of course I call her." He took his phone out of his pocket and called his partner. He caught Ruzek watching him a few times. 

" We can make the arrest, speed up Ruzek, they are probably already robbing her!" Jay half shouted as he hung up the phone after he heard her voice on voicemail. When they arrived at the scene Erin was handing over the money she’d won. Her face was pale and hollow looking in the shadows of the night.

Erin stood on the side alone, watching her colleges make the arrest. Goosebumps erupted on her skin, the wind was coming up and she cursed herself for not bringing a coat. Her dress barely covered her body and her heels were uncomfortable. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and tried to stop her body from shaking but it didn't help. She was about to walk over to her car now that the perp was sitting in the back of the squad car. She actually was looking forward to the drive back to the precinct. She longed for a few moments to clear her head of all the loud confusing thoughts. She was startled when she felt a coat land over her shoulders. She flinched at the contact and her head snapped up to peer over her shoulder. Jay was standing there smiling at her. His coat heavy on her shoulders, she remembered their fight and stepped forward as to not get distracted by his hot muscular body as they touched. Erin shrugged the coat off as she turned around to face him. She nodded slightly without a word before she strode forward. She was so mad at Jay she couldn't even open her mouth to talk to him, afraid of what might come out of it. She wouldn't be able to take it back once spoken so she swallowed it down.

For the second time this evening Jay was standing there in the middle of the street watching his girl walk away. His coat still in his hands; his eyes traveling from her to the coat and then back to her again. He blinked a few times but as he looked again he still had the coat in his hand and his girl had driven away. Suddenly he felt cold. He put his coat back on and walked towards Ruzek who was already waiting in the car.

"Are you sure you're ok? Is something going on with Erin?" Ruzek asked with a smile.  
Jay gave him a look that said shut up or I'll punch you. Ruzek hold up his hands in surrender and started the car. Jay knew that the team heard their fight over the coms but he doubted that they noticed that it wasn't all an act. So he decided not to give it much more thought. He tried to find out what he’d said that would vacillate her not speaking to him, but he couldn't quite figure it out.

It was already getting late and Erin was glad when she opened the door to her locker to grab her coat. The soft fabric of the coat calmed her nerves a little. Erin hadn't noticed how on edge she’d been since her best friend had been murdered. She was sad but her body craved something to forget all the bad stuff that was happening around her. All the victims she saw day in day out, it was just too much. Tears rolled down her cheeks, she zipped her coat and made her way out of the precinct past all her colleagues. She didn’t feel her shoulder bump into someone, so focused she was on fleeing from the pain. She stopped at the liquor store and bought some booze. She made her way back to her car and shoved the liquor on the back seat.  
Erin parked her car on the street in front of her apartment building. She was so busy thinking that she didn't notice the black car that was parked on the other side. Erin lifted the bag out from the backseat and closed the door. She made her way up the stairs and came to an abrupt halt when she saw Jay leaning against the side wall to her front door. His eyes fixated her without blinking once. His gaze wandered from the booze in her hand back to her face. He hadn't said a word he just stood there with his back leaning lightly on the wall. He looked so beautiful in his open leather jacket. She could make out the line of his muscles under his shirt and for just a few seconds she could forget Nadja.

"I can leave again." Jay said suddenly.

"Yes You could." Erin answered in her husky voice as she stepped aside and pointed at the stairs. In a swift motion Jay pushed his back off the wall and made his way towards his girlfriend. She shifted her small body more into the wall her eyes never leaving his gaze. He was almost past her when she let the bag fall to the floor and stepped into the middle of the corridor blocking his way. She jumped at him, her legs wound around his waist. Erin kissed him, hard, she bit his lower lip as he opened his mouth, his tongue quickly finding hers. Her back slammed into the wall and Erin could feel the anger building in her stomach again. She pushed him back forcing him to let her go. She couldn't do this to him, use him to forget allawful things that made her feel guilty and sad. It just wasn’t fair. 

So she pushed him against his torso again. He took a step back out of her way. Erin walked past him, taking out her keys to unlock the door. She stilled when she felt herself being pressed to towards the small silver handle.

Jay’s body was heavy on hers, he moved her around so she was facing him. His hand grabbed her neck making her look at him. His body held her in place. She was caged. His heated gaze roamed over her pale face. He tightened his grip and moved his head down. His lips were inches from hers. He waited but she made no attempt to give him permission,so he kissed her anyway. Her mouth opened up to him, he could feel her body reacting to him like a moth drawn to the flame. She melted into his body. The kiss became more heated. Jay's hand moved with pressure down her neck over her right breast and back up. He pulled on her lower lip, his tongue striding over her mouth. Erin moaned into Jay's mouth as she lost herself in him once more. She wanted to take him inside and let him have his way with her but as she felt him release his grip she remembered why she’d pushed him away.

"I can't Jay. Let go of me." She half shouted at him. Her fists pushing him back.

"What is wrong Erin? Please let me help you." He said concerned.

"You can't. I have to deal with this alone." She answered. She looked at the floor where her golden heels met the wooden floor, afraid to look into his soft eyes, afraid to get weak again.

"Alone? " His voice got louder by every word "You mean alcohol can solve your problems?" He stepped a few steps back to give them some space but his eyes watched her carefully. She was struggling, her heart wanted to hold him and never let go but her mind told her not to, she would only hurt him and that was not fair. He was a good man and deserved better than her. She was a mess and she knew it.

She turned around and opened the front door to her flat. Without a word she stepped inside and closed the door behind her.

"Erin?" He held his breath. There was a pause. "Erin, open the door." Jay almost pleaded. "I didn't mean it the way it may sounded." He leaned against the door with his forehead. His voice softened as he said "Erin open up, I know you’re sitting with your back against the door. I know you. Please let me in ..... let someone in." He whispered.

She couldn't listen to him. She just couldn't. It would get her to open the door. She stood up, her legs carrying her to the darkened bedroom. Without making an effort to shed any of her clothes she laid down.

Erin watched the ceiling above her. She was angry at Jay and at herself. She didn't know why their act had turned out into a real fight. No that was a lie she knew what had her so upset. She just couldn’t understand why it made her react like a jerk. Tears rolled down her cheeks and fell onto her pillow. She wiped them away with the back of her hand and tried to get the picture of Nadja's dead body out of her head. The look on Jay's face after she slapped him haunted her mind once more as the guilt began to overwhelm her. She didn't mean to slap him but somehow she couldn't stop her hand from moving. And then it was too late, the only thing she could do after was walk away. They were undercover and apologizing would have jeopardized their cover. The smell of his aftershave lingered on her skin. She wasn't ready to let it go just yet, having just lost him minutes earlier.

How had she let it come so far? She asked herself over and over again. What was happening to her? What had her mind played pictures from her friend’s dead body over and over again in her head? Why could she only forget them if she drank? Or when Jay was with her? Jay... No she wouldn't let her mind go there, the moment she closed that door she knew she had not only hurt herself, no she had hurt Jay as well. 

Suddenly she couldn't breathe. She rolled out of her bed, and went down the hall to the front door. Once the door was open she stood in front of an empty hallway. Her booze was gone. Nadja's face appeared again, this time she was hugging Erin on her first day at the precinct. She needed that bottle. Her legs took her back inside. Erin grabbed a coat and her car keys before making her way down the four flours of the building.

Jay sat on his couch. The TV was on and a woman was talking about the weather. He hadn't given it much attention. His mind was focused on how out of hand thing had gotten today. He couldn't recall how it exactly happened. His fingers brushed over his cheek. The way she stood there and shouted at him wasn't like her. He knew that she still was mourning about what had happened and he knew that she blamed herself for not being able to find Nadja sooner. But he hadn't known that it was that bad, and he sure as hell didn't mean to make it worse by telling her she was an addict. He was just so angry at her for leaving him again. But as soon as the words he said to her sank in he felt sorry. He just wanted to hug her and tell her that everything would be fine but he knew he had screwed up.

He had waited another ten minutes in the hallway before leaving to make sure she was ok or maybe, if he was honest with himself he hoped that she would change her mind and come back running to him, forgiving him for what he said. But she didn't. He thought they had something, a connection. He had proven to her many times that she could lean on him. Tell her secrets to him. He was loyal to the ones he loved. Yes that's right; he loved her with every fiber of his body. Jay was in love with Erin Lindsay. Why had he never told her that? He hit himself on the forehead for his own stupidity. He stood up from the couch and headed for the bathroom. The shirt landed on the floor along with his Jeans and boxers.

Hot water ran down his body. He head leaned against the cold wall of the shower, the water run down over his hair and face. He closed his eyes. Everything was forgotten, washed away by the water. His mind was empty, even if it just was for a few minutes. He took that time for himself. The mirrors were cloudy from the steam that built up in the small room.

After the shower he laid down on his big and always empty bed. The sheets were torn from the night before. He laid on his side with his back to the wall. As he was lying there all alone in the darkness, waiting for sleep to claim him.

Erin walked up to the door but once she got there she changed her mind and turned around again. She was about to leave for good when she put all her courage in one pot and knocked on the door. Erin waited a few seconds and then knocked again. He probably was already asleep. She was about to turn around when she bumped into someone. A very solid someone. 

"Erin?" A voice she recognized asked. She looked up and saw Will standing in front of her. He apparently had the night shift. Great. Erin thought. 

"Hi, Will, I'm looking for a victim who was assigned in yesterday evening." She deliberately lied. 

Will looked at her with consideration and then simply said, " Ok, but if you are looking for Dr. Charles, he's probably asleep." Erin's face told him that he was right. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone" He winked at her and left. She looked at the door once more but then decided against knocking again. She turned on her heel and ran out of the hospital.

She was so sure the Doctor would be awake, they always were, they had to be right? When had her luck started to run out? She got back into her car again. The sun was rising; she hadn't noticed that the night was already over. Given the early hour it was still busy in front of the hospital; she turned her head and watched herself in the small mirror in her car. Her skin was pale, her hair a mess and her under eyes were dark. She had no idea what Jay saw in her, and now that she paid attention to herself she noticed that her clothes stunk. She needed a shower. 

Erin was about to start her car and head back home when the passenger door opened. She pulled out her gun and pointed it at the intruder. "Dr. Charles, you scared the shit out of me. Never sneak up on an officer of the law." Erin said as she put away her gun. 

"Never sneak up on you again, duly noted." He said and pointed with his hand to the empty passenger seat. "May I ?" He asked. She nodded and sat back into her seat to get as comfortable as possible. 

"Did Will put you up to this?" She glanced over at him. 

"He may noticed that you were looking for me." Dr. Charles said honestly. 

"I don't know if I feel like talking right now." Erin's eyes watched as a bird flew by but her mind was thinking about how to put the words into a sentence.  
"You don't have to. You did the first step by coming to see me." He took his glasses off his nose and let them fall down on his chest.

It was quite for a few minutes. "My friend got murdered." She let out a long breath after admitting that. Her eyes closed and a tear rolled down her cheek. Dr. Charles nodded but didn't say anything. He gazed outside the front window. Erin was relieved that he didn't push her to say more. He opened the door but before he got out of the car he said. "Next week same place but in the evening ok!?" 

Erin smiled and agreed. She watched the doctor walk back to the hospital and started the car. Somehow she felt lighter, as if a little weight was lifted off her soul.

She drove back to her place to get a shower and a change of clothes.

Erin stepped out of the shower. She wrapped a bath towel around her skinny body when she heard her phone ring. Jay's picture appeared on the screen, her finger pushed the ignore button so fast her brain couldn’t even catch up with her action. After that she felt even more guilty. She pulled her hair up into a messy bun and went to her closet. There weren't any clean clothes left. "Really?" She shouted more to God than to herself and looked for anything on the floor she could wear to go to the laundry room in the basement. After a few minutes she stood in her living room in a pair of red heels and a pair of blue shorts from her gym bag and a pink tank top. She sighed and took about four bags full of dirty clothes downstairs. After two sets of stairs she decided against the heels afraid she was going to break her neck. She stuffed them into one of the bags and was on her way again. She couldn’t exactly see where she was going so it was no wonder when she bumped into one of her neighbors. She didn't get to apologize though because the person must have been in a hurry. Like her. She needed to get her laundry done. Also she needed to call Hank to tell him that she would be very late for work. Her head was spinning. There was so much on her mind that she hadn't even done her laundry. And now as she thought about it she noticed that she hadn't done any housework in a while now. 

She went from work to sleep at Jay's or hers and back to work again. When she finally arrived in the basement she switched on the lights and put the bags in front of the washing machine and the dryer. While she started to sort out her laundry her feet got cold on the floor so she put on the heels again. "Stupid cold floor." She muttered to herself.

After her short talk with Dr. Charles, Erin felt a little bit better; maybe this was a chance for her. Maybe she should consider opening up to him. She hadn't known how she got to the hospital when she actually just wanted to buy new booze. She was sure that Jay took the bag when he had left her. First she was angry at him but that changed after her talk. She thought while she still was busy with her laundry. As she finished sorting out her clothes she started the first machine. A song brought her back to reality. Wait that is my phone? Erin thought and started searching for it in the pile of clothes on the basement floor. Hanks name was written on the screen. Before answering the call she straightened her back and made sure her voice didn't sound too thin.  
"Hank, what's up?" she answered the call. 

"Where the hell are you?" Hank's angry rough voice rang through the receiver. 

"I was just about to call you, I had an appointment today morning, woman stuff. I'm coming in after lunch." She closed her eyes and bit on her lower lip hoping he wouldn't see through her lie. 

"I sent Jay to your apartment to see if everything was fine. But he said you weren’t there. Is everything ok?" He asked a bit friendlier. 

"Yes, I'll see you in a bit." She quickly said and hung up the phone. She leaned down, her hands holding on to the dryer and the breath she was holding left her lungs.

"Now we're lying to the boss huh?" Erin jumped up and shrieked at the same time. But two seconds later the intruder was lying under her on the ground. 

"What the hell Jay!" Erin shouted. Jay didn't move. A few seconds, or maybe minutes later he raised a brow and asked her:" As much as I like you're straddling me, would you mind getting up the floor is kind of cold." Without a word she got off of him and stepped back to put some distance between them, she could feel the blush on her cheeks and tried to hide it by looking to the screen on the washer. 

"Your look is very interesting." She heard him say what made her look down on herself. "Oh my god, this is so embarrassing." She tied to cover her body with her arms and hands, Jay laughed at that and she threw an angry look his way that made him stop instantly. "I like it." He added and took a step forward in her direction.

Erin automatically stepped a step back. She didn't trust herself around him. She knew she'd give in and this time as he stood there all tall and sexy in his Jeans and black shirt that showed off the lines of his abs and torso. "What are you doing here Jay? Spying on me? Don't you have something better to do?" Her voice sounded softer than she would have liked. She wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible because she wasn't going to argue with him again about the same subject over and over again. She was tired of fighting the man she was so in love with she couldn't be with him because of her problems.

"You know exactly Voight sent me." She could tell that he was getting angry at her, his voice gave him away. 

"How long were you standing there?" The words just came out of her mouth and this time she managed to make it sound serious. 

"Long enough." Jay pierced her with his eyes. He tried to figure her out, tried to figure out her next move. He was so angry that she hadn't talked to him and now was once again was pushing him away. 

"Will called. He said you went to see Dr. Charles." He almost whispered. 

"What????" Erin shouted. "That son of a bitch!!" She muttered to in a breath. "I'm going to kill him!" Her eyes gazed into his. Jay didn't blink. 

"I'm glad you went." His voice rang through the heavy silence around them. He knew she felt betrayed by his brother and he needed her to know that it was a good thing that she tried to get help, even if it wasn't from him. Erin just nodded and he saw a weight fall of her shoulders. 

"Just please, keep it to yourself. And tell Will to do the same otherwise I have to pay him a visit." She said dead serious. 

"Hmm." He answered bemused.

He again took another step forward. She again another one back.

"Jay listen, I don't wanna hurt you again so please don't come any nearer." She uttered. Jay's eyes darkened 

"You wouldn't stand a chance." He challenged and took another one. Erin took another step back but hit her lower back on something hard. Great, she thought as she felt the vibration of the washing machine on her skin. He saw a shadow hush over her features but it was over so fast he couldn't tell what it meant. 

"Jay, please." She pleaded. "I can't be with you right now, I just started to talk today, I'm not ready for this. I want us to work and that can only happen when I get my shit together." Erin watched him come closer again. Soon she would be trapped between the stupid washer and his hot, tall all muscular body. And when this happened she knew she was screwed, and she knew he knew that too. 

" How about we take baby steps then?" He suggested. He came closer with every word he said. His gaze pierced her to the spot she was standing; she was not able to move.

He had always known how to convince her. And this time he wouldn't give in so fast, he wouldn't let her push him away again. He was done standing on the outside when all he wanted was to be with her and help her get through her grief, because without her, he wouldn't be the man he was today. So he caged her again for the second time in twenty-four hours. But this time there was no escape for her. His heated stare was on her. Erin held her breath not sure if she should push and run or stay and wait. His look was so honest that she saw all the pieces move into their right place. He was right when he said he'd have her back. All he did for her proved that. She knew it, but somehow in her wrecked mind she thought that pushing people away would not only protect them it would also protect her. But what if she was wrong all along? What if she tried something new? She had done the first step by choosing Dr. Charles over buying alcohol, so why couldn't she just try what Jay suggested and put some trust into him? 

She felt his hand around her chin which made her look up.

Their eyes met, their faces only inches apart. The air around them got thicker by the second. Neither of them moved. Erin could feel his breath on her face. A shiver ran down her spine. Her skin felt on fire. 

"Ok, Baby steps." She whispered and then her soft lips kissed his.


	2. Choices ( Rated M )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Linstead Story slightly AU
> 
> Jay woke up before the sun was rising above Chicago, he hadn't slept much this night. To be percice he hadn't slept well since five weeks. Since the day he found the letter on the floor under his front door.  
> "Dear Jay, ......  
> I know what I’m doing is the cowardly way but I knew if I had to tell you what I am about to tell you in person, you would have convinced me to stay… So here I am, writing a letter to the one person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy reading :)

Choices

 

Jay woke up before the sun was rising above Chicago; he hadn't slept much that night. To be precise he hadn't slept well in five weeks. Since the day he found the letter on the floor under his front door.

"Dear Jay,

I know what I’m doing is the cowardly way but I knew if I had to tell you what I am about to tell you in person, you would have convinced me to stay… So here I am, writing a letter to the one person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with."

He pulled his shirt over his head and stepped out of his boxers. The air was cool in the bathroom, he cursed himself for not informing the landlord about the broken heater. Jay stepped into the shower and his muscles automatically relaxed as the hot water hit his skin. He grabbed the shampoo bottle from the bath caddy. He opened the bottle and squeezed. He squeezed harder but the bottle was empty.

"Shit, Shit, Shit !!!!" He shouted into the now steamy bathroom. He threw the bottle away. He groaned when it flew into the wall and landed back in front of his feet. He needed all his strength not to scream in that moment. The hurt he felt was indiscernible. Jay steadied himself with one hand on the cold wall the other covered his eyes in frustration as his fingers danced along his temples edge.

" You know that after what happened to Nadja I wasn't the same person anymore. I couldn't see any meaning in life and I fell into a black hole with alcohol and drugs. I know I hurt you, but you have to believe me when I tell you that it wasn't my intention. I just didn't know how to deal with it then."

Jay's fist hit the wall.

Hard.

Blood dropped down and mixed with the warm water that still ran down his body. He knew from the moment she wasn't at her desk that particular morning a few days after Nadja’s death, that something was wrong. He went to Voight for answers but all he said was that Erin had stepped off the unit. Jay knew better than to go to her house and try to convince her otherwise but when he thought about it now he was sure that he had made the wrong call. He should have been there, should have pushed harder, should have spoken a word of power. But instead he let her be.

Gave her space.

He was sure the love he shared for her would be strong enough for both of them and she would come home to him. But she hadn't.

The guilt was eating him alive.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist. He bandaged his hand before he grabbed a full set of clothes from his closet and dressed himself for work.

Work wasn't the same without his partner. It was dark and violent. He worked with Antonio mostly. But they hadn't talked much, except for work stuff, he hadn’t told anyone about the emptiness he felt insides his heart. Not even his brother Will. He could tell that Will suspected something but he was wise enough to not ask any questions. Will always knew when not to push. Jay had to talk to someone eventually but that day hadn't come yet. He wished he knew how his life would go from here but he didn't. He felt numb. Words from of the letter still circled around in his head.

"You were always my rock. My second half. My soulmate."

Why had she left him then? If these words were true? He couldn't understand her, he was always there for her, she said it herself. What did he do wrong? He didn't know. These words hunted him day and night until he wasn't able to get rid of them.

"I need to find myself, I need to figure out a way to get better without the violence in our lives. That is why I had to leave. I am so sorry for leaving you in the dark and for just disappearing but I knew that you would have made me stay and that would have ended badly for the both of us. I’m empty inside Jay and it wouldn't be fair if I dragged you down with me. You need to understand that I am trying to protect you. I know it hurts like hell shit but believe me when I tell you that you deserve a life without darkness. I want you to find the right girl, I want you to marry that girl and have kids. I want you to be happy."

Didn't she know that she was his happy ending? He hadn't cared a bit about her past. He hadn't had the best past either; he always thought that was why they understood each other so well. The noise at the precinct pulled him out of his thoughts. It was still early morning but people were already running around working. He greeted a few officers he knew and buzzed himself into the top floor where the unit was stationed. As he walked to the desk opposite from his one, he already knew that this was going to be another crappy day in a row of crappy days.

 

 

Erin watched her face in the mirror in her one bedroom apartment. It was always all grey and dark but she didn't mind. In fact it suited her mood. She had found it after her second day in the city. She stumbled upon on it per accident as she checked a board at a University. Someone was looking for a tenant. So she called the number and got the flat the same night. Yes it was cruel to take the place away from an actual student but she kept telling herself that it only was until she was back standing on her feet again.

She's gotten a little bit of color in the last few weeks, but her face still showed her emotional distress. The first three weeks were the hardest. She had left in a hurry knowing she would change her mind if she didn’t leave immediately. And that is what she had done. She had packed a bag and wrote a letter. She had dropped it of in the middle of the night before going to the airport.

" I love you Jay Halstead, with all my heart, I love you. But you have to forget me like I have to forget you too. It wouldn't be fair to ask you to wait because I don't know when I’ll feel healed enough to come home. I have to start new. I have to be somewhere else, I have to be somewhere where I’m free to be anybody but me. I want to take this as a chance to start a new life. Please forgive me for everything I’ve put you through.

Goodbye Jay

Love Erin "

 

She stood in front of Jay's door, tears rolled down her cheeks and dropped to the floor. She took the letter out of her coat and pushed it through the gap between the floor and the door. Erin thought about knocking, her fist already in mid air as she remembered why she was going to leave him behind. He deserved better than her, a girl who was empty inside with no more love to give. When her eyes landed on Nadjas dead body all she felt was guilt, and it was nagging at her. She couldn't get rid of it by herself so the drugs helped. She knew she could have reached out but she also knew Jay had a past himself, a past he had kept to himself because it was too painful to talk about. So Erin decided not to drag him down this road with her. No she had made up her mind and fell into old habits. And before she’d even noticed she had fallen in too deep. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.

At the airport she bought a one way ticket and made her way through security to the gate. A few hours later she landed in the city she always dreamt of as a little girl; New York. So here she was, trying to get her life together in a new City with a new job. But what she had learned the hard way was that out of sight didn't mean out of mind.

She worked as a barista in a small coffee shop in a side alley somewhere near Central Park. She liked her new job, it was light, friendly even. But it also was busy and chaotic, something Erin liked. It helped her forget a little bit during the day and also made her stay away from the drugs, but at night she would still lie awake for hours trying to get at least a few hours of sleep. Erin started to like her new life, even if it was simple. As the days went by she noticed the change she was making. Maybe it also had something to do with the fact that she still talked to Dr. Charles over the phone every week, and that she’d found an AA group in a church nearby. She visited the meeting at least two to three times a week. She felt good talking to someone who was giving her good advice instead of judging her.

 

 

Weeks past and he barely noticed. He felt numb inside. “This isn't a good way to live, you have to move on,” Will had told him one night at Molly's. He hadn't responded and walked out of the bar instead. He knew that this wasn't healthy and he also knew that he had to move on eventually but he just wasn't ready to let go yet. He had never cared for another woman in quite the same way as he had for Erin. She was the lid to his pan. She made him want to be a better man. She was his soulmate, his fairytale. So how could he give that up so easily after only a few weeks? He wouldn't give up and he sure as hell wouldn't give in. Suddenly his mind was clear. He had chosen to fight for his love.

The next thing he knew, he was working on a plan to find Erin and called in all favors he had left.

One day on a Friday he finally found out where Erin had gone, not from the people he had asked, no, from Kim Burgess. She had approached him to ask him if he’d also gotten a postcard from Erin. He’d asked her where it was sent from and she had told him that it came from New York.

At the end of the day he went to Voight's office and told him that he was going to take a few vacation days because of a family matter and then left the building and headed straight to the airport. Jay was already late but he had made it in time to board the airplane. He had brought the letter with him, and while the plane had taken off into the sky he had read it over and over again, asking himself if he had made the right decision.

A few hours later his plane landed in New York City.

He took a cab that brought him to his already booked hotel near time square. It was fucking expensive but it was worth it. He had booked the cheapest room he could find and it had to be near the center so this was his only option. Apparently this was the only room left because of an event that was placed in the City for the weekend. Lots and lots of people walked and ran around the street which made getting a cab to the hotel entrance difficult.

He’d walked a few steps and was almost run over by a guy in a suit. Jay cursed under his breath as he lifted his coat from the floor which had fallen down by the incident. Once inside he could breathe again. He checked in and went straight for his room on the first floor. The room was beautiful, but very small. The walls were painted in a dark green and the furniture was made of dark wood. The bed was placed on the opposite side of the window. Jay closed the curtains and sat down on to the bed. He was here, he really had done it. Now he had to figure out how to win back his girl.

 

Erin woke up early, she made her way into the shower with closed eyes but when she pulled on the handle for hot water she almost jumped out of her skin as the cold water hit her. She forgot that it was freezing first before it got hot. Why was this stuff always happening to her? She stepped out of the shower again and waited for the hot water to come out. Today was a special day; she was sober for over seven weeks and for the first time she felt that some weight had left her shoulders.

She thought about bailing on the meeting tonight but changed her mind when the past caught up with her again. These damn images just wouldn't leave her alone, they were always floating through her mind. Some days she managed to get rid of them but some she couldn't. Today was a good day, the fact that she had managed to stay sober for seven weeks made her proud and that really really helped. She caught herself smiling at that as she washed her hair.

Erin stepped onto the pavement and took a moment to breath in the city. A familiar feeling spread in her belly as her skin tickled. She closed her eyes for a moment to capture the feeling she just now knew she missed since she had left him.

“No no no nonononono.” she shook her head. She had to get rid of the feeling. She couldn't allow herself to think of him, she would fall back in to that same darkness she was in when she had left Chicago. She had to let him go. “Let him go” she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Today was supposed to be a good day!" She said out loud to remind herself. She took a long breath and opened her eyes. Her hand grazed over her wet cheek. She pulled herself together and made her way to the coffee shop she was working at. Her shift started soon and she had to be on time. She could not afford to be late and lose the one thing that kept her busy.

As much as she wanted it to, the feeling wouldn't go away. It stayed until she started with her work. Then suddenly as fast as the feeling had come it was gone.

Erin.... She really was here, in New York. He was standing across the street from her small rented apartment. He was standing there since 4am because he couldn't sleep knowing she was nearby. He felt like a stalker but that didn't change the fact that he was eager to see her. He was excited like a little boy. And then, when she finally stepped out and he saw her again after this long time, he suddenly was afraid. His emotions switched between excitement to angst. Thoughts like; what if she was over him? What if she doesn't want to see him went through his mind and when he remembered the letter, he stepped back into a side alley.

He kept his eyes on her not ready to let her go just yet and as Erin started walking he followed. She went inside a little coffee shop and he decided to wait and see where she was headed next. Creepy Stalker he thought to himself but pushed the thought away again fast. Erin hadn't come out again. She was working here. The realization hit him. Suddenly he felt stupid, he almost ran away from the scene in front of him. His thoughts ran wildly through his head. She had built a new life in a new city with a new job. Why the hell had he come here? He should have known better. Erin was a fighter, he knew it! He knew she would make it eventually and she’d made the decision that she wanted to do it without him. She had a new life here and he was going to remind her of her old life again. He was a selfish ass.

He found himself sitting on a bench in Central Park. His head buried in his hands. He felt himself getting angry. Time had passed, he didn't know how much but it felt like hours. The sun was high above the city skyline and shone through the trees leaves. The sun on his skin felt warm. He closed his eyes for what felt only a second and tried to clear his mind. Somewhere far away he heard his name being called.

"Jay?" A familiar voice asked again. Jay slowly opened his eyes. And there she stood. In front of him with the sun at her back and her lunch package in her left hand. She was beautiful, her hair was messy from work and a small shiver of sweat lingered on her skin. He watched her watching him. Their eyes locked and minutes went by with neither of them moving or talking.

Jay opened his mouth to say something when he watched her turn around and leave. He was on his feet in a matter of seconds. Chasing her through the now very crowded park. "Erin wait. " He shouted but she hadn't made a sign to stop. He saw her brown hair walk through a group of nuns but when they were walking by Erin was gone. He had lost her.

Erin couldn't breathe. The darkness of her thoughts surrounded her mind. Her hand held on to her neck as if her life depended on it. With the other hand she steadied herself on a tree. What the hell had just happened? Why was he here? Was he here or was that his twin no one knew about? Erin's forehead hit the bark and she cursed under her heavy breath. Jay, he really was here, in New York. She still couldn't progress what just happened. But then it hit her like a brick wall.

He’d come for her... and she ran!!!

Again.

No, she had done the right thing. This wasn't supposed to happen, he deserved better. She was a mess, she did better than a few weeks ago yes, but she still was very fragile. She wasn't ready for anything right now, hell she was glad to get through the days without getting consumed by darkness again. Her breathing got back to normal. She turned around to lean with her back on the tree. She opened her eyes again, straightened herself and left the park in a hurry without looking back. Her lunch long forgotten somewhere on the ground she made her way back into the coffee shop to finish her shift.

 

Jay had a hard time processing what just had happened, he had found her, it wasn't the way he planned their first meeting after such a long time. Accidental nature had ruined his plan big time. She had run away from him again with not even a word. He thought about leaving the city and her behind but then something reminded him when he saw her eyes as they stared at each other. He could see in her eyes that he still meant something to her. He was sure of it. And that was what made him stay. Jay went back to his hotel room to gather his thoughts. He took a cab back to the hotel and he stayed in.

He felt Erin's soft hair on his chest tickling him. His fingers circled on her skin and made her shiver. She had giggled at that and tried to flee out of his embrace but he’d hold her in place. He had placed a kiss on her temple and told her he loved her before they were interrupted by their cell phones.

He woke up. He knew it was a dream the moment it started but he didn't want it to stop. The dreams were always over way too soon for his liking. In his dreams he could be with her, allow him to remember without feeling that heavy weight on his chest. It was late and already dark outside. Dinner had already been served and now he was angry at himself for falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon.

He lifted his coat from the floor and made his way out of the hotel into the never sleeping city. He walked in the direction he’d gone earlier when he’d followed Erin to look around for a restaurant. The streets were busy and he could see a lot of young people heading for the nightlife. He found a diner a few blocks away. The smell of fried food hit his nose as he opened the door and stepped inside. He got into a booth in the far corner and took a look at the menu even though he already knew what he was going to order. The waitress came a few minutes later and took his order. Jay leaned back in to the booth and waited for his food to arrive.

 

Erin was lying in her bed watching the lights of cars pass by on the ceiling, her mind trying to sort out the events of the day. She felt guilty. She had hurt him again. She knew that. She had heard his heart break the moment she turned around and she heard it again when his voice called her name. But she hadn't stopped, no she went on walking in the other direction, away from him for his own protection. Was it for his protection or was it for hers? She couldn't answer that question anymore if she was honest. Why was she doing this? Why had she gone in the first place? All these questions she asked herself over and over again.

She picked her phone up from the floor from where she had put it and before her brain could catch up with her actions she had dialed his number.

It rang...

And rang...

And rang...

After the fifth time it went to voicemail. "This is Jay's phone; you know what you have to do after the peep." She listened to it before she hung up. She stared at the screen on her phone where his name was listed in the contacts. She hadn't thought he'd pick up after all she had done to him but deep inside she hoped that he still loved her, that he still believed in her even if there was nothing left to believe in. She called again just to listen to his voice on the voicemail. Her eyes filled with tears. There it was the realization which she should’ve had weeks ago. He loved her, he always had loved her and she had pushed him away. Over and over again she had pushed him away. He had never given up on her, not even when she had fled the City. He had come after her. And why would he have done that if it wasn't love. He came because he loved her. It was as simple as that. She could see it in his eyes everytime she looked at him. Her heart rate went up at the sudden clearness that formed inside her brain. She hit her forehead with her hand for her stupidity. Deep inside she felt her heart clench because she knew that it already was too late now. What had happened today was the last straw he needed to finally understand that she was done with him. But she had to try anyway. She got out of the bed and put on some clothes. Erin dialed Burges number and waited for her friend to pick up the phone.

 

After finishing his Burger Jay made his way back to the hotel. Once he got rid of his sweaty clothes he took a quick shower. Only with a towel around his hips he stepped out of the bathroom and opened his suitcase, a few seconds later he found what he was looking for. He put on boxers and a black pair of sweats which sat low on his hips. He went back into the bathroom to brush he teeth and get ready for bed. He was tired from everything that had happened maybe giving her space was the right thing to do here and that's why he had decided to fly back home in the morning. He slipped under the cold sheets on the bed and switched of the lamp on his nightstand. The room was filled with light. Great, he thought. He had forgotten to close the stupid curtains. He swung himself out of bed and made his way to the window when he heard a knock on the door.

 

Erin stood in front of the door that was supposed to be Jay's hotel room. Kim had found out for her by spying on him in the police servers. When she had the address she hadn't wasted any more time, Erin had taken her coat and ran out. All the way she ran, she prayed that she wasn't too late. She hated herself for not realizing it sooner. She had hidden her feelings for too long, had denied them even. As long as she could think, she had always run away. It was time to change that. As she had written in the letter to Jay, she loved him. He was it, he was her happy ending. Standing in front of that closed door felt like hours to her. Her heart was beating heavily in her chest.

 

And then the door opened.

And he was standing there in just his sweats and bare feet with the doorknob still in his hand piercing her into the spot she with his blue eyes.

They didn't move just looking at each other. Erin had a hard time keeping her eyes on his face, she could sense his muscles flex under his skin as a cold shiver ran down her neck over her spine. She hoped that he hadn't noticed and continued to look into his eyes. Neither of them ready to ruin the moment by not knowing how this scene was going to end.

Jay opened his mouth to say something, there was a flicker of something in his eyes that she couldn't place, Erin stopped him by lifting her hand up ignoring it. Confused he tilted his head to the side. "Remember when you said one day?" She whispered and continued before he could respond. "I think that day may be today. I am so sorry for all I have done to you, I'd totally understand if you don't wanna see me ever again." Her eyes roamed over the floor and linked back with his as she waited for a reaction that never came.

She nodded and was about to step back when she felt his strong arms grab her by her shoulders. Jay pulled her into his broad chest. He moved them inside his room and closed the door with his feet. She knew he wouldn't let go of her not even if the world caught fire. And she let him. He pressed her into the door, he caged her with his whole body, she couldn't move an inch and she knew that he wasn't risking her running again. She felt her coat falling to the floor along with her shirt and bra, followed by her trousers and panties. The chill that she felt was replaced by the heat his body held. His right hand suddenly grabbed her chin, the touch wasn't gentle, his grip was firm. He made her look at him and she saw all the emotions he had held back until to this point. There was anger and fear, passion and lust. His grip tightened some more, his body pressed into hers some more but their skin barely touched. His weight heavy on her naked body.

 

And then his lips slanted over hers, hard. Erin's body reacted immediately her back arched forward and her breasts touched his chest. Her nipples hardened with every stroke over his skin. Feeling his hand moving down her neck, then over her breast and down to her stomach; she felt him stroke over her clit. She moaned into the kiss her body pressing them further away from the door but his other hand pressed her back. The cold of the door ran through her body. Shivering and heating up at the same time she closed her eyes. Feeling Jays tongue following the same path his hand had before she knew what was coming. Her breath got heavier with every inch his tongue made down. She pressed her hands flat on to the door as to hold herself.

 

" Spread your legs!" A flare of anger swung in his voice. She obliged. His hot tongue stroking over her already wet folds. His strokes took her higher and higher, she could feel her orgasm build deep inside her. Her nails dug in to his skull, pulling on his hair. "Look at me, I want you to see me when you come." As she opened her eyes she found one of her legs lying over his shoulder, the scene which presented itself to her made her fall over the edge. A scream of pleasure echoed in the small hotel room and if Jay hadn't kept her in place with his strong arms, her legs would have given way under her.

 

He hadn't let her take a breath. He kissed her and she could taste herself on his lips. As if she weighed nothing he lifted her up. Her legs moved around his waist on their own accord. He walked them over to the bed and let her down gently, never letting go of her. The cold sheets made goosebumps erupt all over her body. He was looking at her from above, his features had softened a bit when he whispered; "Never leave me again Erin." His eyes roamed over her face as if to memorize every inch of her hunted face. She looked at him wide eyed. Not knowing what to say, so she nodded instead. "Say it Erin, I need to hear it. I need to hear you telling me that this is it. That you chose to come here to be with me no matter what is going to happen, I need to know that the ghost's who haunted you and made you run away from me so many times is in the past, and that it won't make you run again. I need to be sure you’ll stay here with me. I need to know and I need to hear you say it." He looked her straight in the eyes, reveling all the pain that haunted him. He tilted his head to the side, his features tense as the seconds passed by. Her husky voice filled the room.

 

" This is it." She lifted up her head and put a gentle kiss to his lips. "This is it, I love you Jay Halstead and even though I still have demons I have to fight I know now that I don't need to run away to deal with them. I am sorry that I didn't it realize sooner but I am here now and I promise that I won't run again as long as you won't let me go."

She kissed him again and this time he kissed her back.

She could feel his cock through his sweats on her stomach. His hand joined hers as they he pulled them down. They landed on the floor with a muffled thud.

Her fingers stroke over his shaft. Their kiss deepened. Moans filled the air around them. Jay entered her slowly, filling her, feeling her tight walls around him. He stopped for a moment silently asking for permission to go on.

She felt him tense above her and interrupted their kiss. Her eyes opened, Jay was hovering above her, looking down at her with his blue blue eyes. The expression his face held almost made her cry, all the love he had for her was written there, she could see it and suddenly the pain she felt had vanished. She didn't know if it was gone forever or just for this moment but she didn't care. She now knew that she could heal. Before he could move she pulled him down and kissed him, their body heat tangled them together as he started to move inside her.

He kept her under him, hold her tight to his body. Never letting go he pushed into her, harder with every stroke. Erin's moans filled the room, the lights of the city streets dancing on the walls. Their sweat mixed together, his chest brushed over her hard nipples, her legs moved around his waist, pulling him closer to her. He felt her nails digging into his skin, scratching and stroking. Her back arched up into his body, more sweat, more heat, more screams until she finally let go and burst into a million pieces beneath him. He followed.

It was dark, he felt Erin's body press further into his. They must have been asleep for a while now. Her change of position must have woken him up; he smiled as he looked down at her. Never after all that had happened these past few months had he believed he'd be here in a hotel room in a different city with his girl in his arms.

Even if he never gave up, there was a time he thought he had lost everything.

 

"Never leave me. " He felt her whisper against his chest.

 

"Never." He whispered back as he pulled her closer.

End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts, comments and kudos guys!


	3. Mistakes we've made ( M )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He watched her leave. He watched her leave his life never once turning around to look back at him. He broke inside the moment the door closed behind her. He’d lost her, and there was no way she’d ever forgive him. Or was there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note: I will also post this as an Olicity Story in the Arrow fandom. Why? Because I hate to choose and I couldn't make my mind up about wheter it should be Olicity or Linstead so I simply post it in both. Thanks for understanding. Love ya all <3 Happy reading 
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks to @Laurabella2930 for being such a wonderful friend and BETA

Mistakes we've made

"Leave me alone and don’t you dare touch me!"

"Can we talk about it ?" he stood there, his shoulders hung in defeat. His blue eyes pleading with her to stay but deep inside he knew he’d lost her for good, this mistake was larger than the rest. Why he did it was beyond him, yes, he could blame the alcohol but he knew he’d done it out of fear of commitment, afraid of not being enough for her, afraid of being loved. That’s why he cheated. Something inside of him broke the moment his lips touched the ones of the girl he doesn’t even remember the name of. He knew it was wrong but he didn’t stop, he continued his brain screaming it was for the best, his love wouldn’t be enough.

He watched her leave. He watched her leave his life never once turning around to look back at him. He broke inside the moment the door closed behind her. He’d lost her, and there was no way she’d ever forgive him.

She opened the door of her car and got in. Tears falling down her cheeks. Loud sobs echoed in the car. She started the engine and drove off into the stormy night. Dark clouds hung in the sky. Big raindrops hit the car making her sobs fall silent. She couldn’t fully understand what had just happened. Why it had happened? She couldn’t think of anything she’d done wrong by him. She thought that they were happy. They had talked about moving in together, talked about starting a future together. She thought he had left his past behind him. She knew that he had some problems and was suffering from PTSD but she thought he’d dealt with it and could leave the past alone.

Her mind was spinning. She couldn’t stop crying. The road in front of her dark she could barely see anything but she kept driving, leaving the city behind her.

She didn’t know how many hours went by since she got into her car and she didn’t care. She felt tired but she kept driving, driving away with no plan. Yes it would be easy for her to disappear and start a life elsewhere. She could do it. She had done it before and she could do it again. She was done relying on another person. She was a strong woman; she could do whatever she wanted. Her eyes were swollen and red from too much crying. Her neck was aching and her legs hurt. She felt cold in the small dress she was still wearing. Her golden clutch lay beside her on the passenger seat. She was glad she had brought her purse with her and not only some cash, otherwise she’d have to go to their apartment first.

She’d taken nothing with her as she fled the city afterall he was the one who rented the apartment they were going to live in. He was the one who bought all the furniture for their future together. She only had a few clothes and her personal items, like her passport, credit cards, and her purse. The sky opened up above her and she could feel the sun on her arms as she drove her small car through the new city she had just arrived in. A small motel sign caught her attention and she followed the arrow that showed the way.  
She arrived in the parking lot which was almost empty except for three other car that were still wet from the rain the night before. The sun danced in the drops on the windows. She got out of her car and ran to the entrance of the motel. It was an old grey building and it reminded her of the Bates motel. It creeped her out a little but she had to stay cheap at the moment. At least until she could access her savings.

She blessed her mom for working her ass of so she could go to good schools and have a bright future, a future that didn’t feel bright at all at the moment. She sighed and pushed open the door that led her to the reception desk. An old man sat behind a thick glass looking as creepy as the ones in horror movies. The room was barely lit. The lights who were working but flickering strangely. She felt a shiver run down her spine but continued walking toward the man.

“ A room for one.” She said in a loud voice, not wanting to sound afraid or weak. The man looked her up and down not saying a word. He turned around in his chair and took hold of an old key with a brown wooden plate that said 29.

“35 bucks per night." His raspy voice filled the room he was sitting in. She nodded and he handed her the key. She took out the cash she had left in her purse and handed it over. It would be enough for two days.

Once in her room, she closed the door behind her and made sure it was locked properly. After walking around the room she made her way to the tiny bathroom. Brown wallpaper hung loosely from the walls. The smell in the room was gross. She wrinkled her nose as she looked at the toilet. Where did she land? She thought to herself and got back to the bed. She got rid of her clothes and went back into the bathroom. She took a quick shower and put on the same clothes as before. She didn’t like it, but now was not the time to complain. She needed to get her hands on a computer so she could get her money. The money she’d need to start a new life.

The public library was near the center of the town and she had found it quickly by asking strangers. They were friendly, and provided her the information. Yes they looked at her a bit strangely because of her outfit but she didn’t care. She kept walking until she reached her destination.

It was as he remembered it from her college days, it wasn't the same library but it looked very similar to the one she had spent a lot of time. A big hall with a lot of book shelves. She was looking for the computers. She found them a few minutes later.

After a few keystrokes the work was done and a smile formed itself on her face, the first smile since her love told her what he’d done. There it was, her money. She was ready to start new.

He couldn’t get out of bed. He felt nothing, since he’d crushed his heart and his soul with the decision he’d made. Nine weeks…. nine weeks since she’d run. He hadn’t heard from her.  
Her number disconnected. Her car gone. Her stuff gone. The light she brought into this home, gone. His happiness, gone. Everything was gone. And it was his fault. As much as he thought about it, the clearer it got. He had made the biggest mistake in his life. He couldn’t fix it. He knew he couldn’t fix it but he wouldn’t give up trying.

His limbs felt heavy as he slowly carried himself out of bed into the shower. He felt like a zombie, dead inside. All the problems he had before gone. His PTSD gone, as if it never existed. The only thought was of her, her hair tickling him when she lay beside him in bed. The way she smiled when she was reading a book she liked so much she’d forget the world around her. The way she tried to cook a meal for him, failing horribly.

He watched his face in the mirror and what looked back at him he couldn’t recognize. His left eye was blue from a fight he had a few nights ago. He had provoked it, he wanted to get punched, he wanted to feel at least something. It had helped, maybe for five minutes, it had helped. The headache he managed to get rid of this morning returned. He could feel the pounding in his head matching with his heart beat. He opened the cabinet and took out a bottle with painkillers. It was empty.

He threw it into the wall and it ended up landing right in front of his feet. He kicked it away, his anger reaching it's top, it all was too much, too much to handle.  
His fist hit the mirror. Broken glass covered the white stony floor, mixed with blood. He steadied himself on the sink, his knuckles bleeding. He looked back up not seeing his reflection anymore.

He carried himself to work day in and they out. Not speaking to anyone except if it was necessary. His knuckles hurt, his head hurt, his soul shattered into a million pieces like the glass on the bathroom floor.

He was sleeping in his office after that. It was easier not getting reminded of her every single time he was in their empty cold apartment. Nobody knew, and if they did, they didn’t care or were too afraid to say anything.

He had made a mistake and he would regret it for the rest of his life.

\-------------------

Seven years later…

She was happy.

The job she found was paying her well and she became head of the department quickly, so she had moved into a small townhouse on the outskirts of a small city she found and fell in love with when she was on the move two years ago. She had decided to stay and try her luck with finding a new job. The house was painted white and had dark green shutters. A brown fence extends around her garden of endless dreams, with trees and flowers. Nobody had done anything to it for years, but she didn’t care. She liked it the way it was and she had no intention of changing it. The inside was small, two bedrooms one on the main and one on the top floor, two little bathrooms attached to each of the bedrooms and a small kitchen with an open view into the garden and to the other side into her small warm living room.

She fell in love with it immediately.

She made a home for herself; she had started a new life. She had left everything behind and built it herself up from deep down. She was proud of herself and she knew deep down her mom would be too. But sometimes at night, she was laying awake, not able to find sleep. Thoughts of her past keeping her awake, thinking about how her soulmate had ripped her heart out and stabbed it, walking over it as if it meant nothing. She still could feel it aching when she thought of him. Thinking what he is doing, thinking of where he might be, thinking of calling him. But she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t become weak, she wouldn’t fall back into old habits. It made her sad so much so that lonely tears would roll down her cheeks, but she wouldn’t give in so she wiped them away as if they never even were real.

She felt the emptiness that was deep inside her, thoughts and doubts made her skin crawl and her mind hurt as she wondered if she’d made a mistake by running away all those years ago. Would it have made any difference if she’d had let him explain himself? Would she still have left him? Would she have stayed?

All these questions came when she had time to think. She made herself believe she was happy. But she was not. Despite everything, she was not.

\-------------------

Seven years. It had been seven years. It felt like a lifetime. He read the newspaper every morning with a cup of black coffee in his hand. Suddenly he let the mug fall to the wooden floor where it scattered itno pieces.

There she was, smiling back at him from a picture in the newspaper. He read through the article many times, his eyes glued to the words that were in front of him. He didn’t know how many minutes went by when he finally came back to the present. Carefully he ripped out the article and the picture. He got up, gathered his stuff and left his new apartment.  
The sky was cloudy as he got into his old car. The engine roared as it came to life and the car started to move slowly out of the driveway.

It was already late in the night when he finally arrived at his destination. He parked on the street and looked up to the small house with the small garden around it. There was still light shining brightly inside but he couldn’t make out any movement. His palms felt sweaty and his heart rate sped up at the thought of seeing her again after all this time.  
What was he doing here? Suddenly he felt the guilt he had tried so hard to push away make its way back. Spreading through his body like a poison who would shred him into a million pieces again.

Maybe she had found someone, a man who treated her right. Maybe she already had kids. Panting in front of his car he thought about everything. Maybe she didn’t want to see him, what then? It would crush him. He knew. But he also knew if he didn’t ring that bell he would regret it for the rest of his life. He needed to apologize, yes it was selfish, he knew that too but he had to try. After all these years he’d finally found her. He had to make things right with her.

The sound of a dog barking startled him and pulled him away from his thoughts. He looked up and there she stood. Right in front of him only a few feet away.  
She didn’t move, her big eyes on his tall form but not moving a muscle.

He was about to say her name but she stopped him with her hand, showing him to not speak. “What are you doing here?" She asked a few seconds later as she found her voice again.

“I came to see you." He said slowly, his voice low but warm. "I came to say that I’m sorry." He added as she didn’t respond. She kept eyeing him; it was almost as if she didn’t believe it was him actually standing there in front of her.

“What are you doing here?" she asked again, this time louder, almost shouting.

His eyes never leaving hers he took a step in her direction. His hand reached out to stroke over her cheek but she took a step back, away from him. He let his hand fall down to the side of his body, his eyes pleading.

“Why did you come? After all this years, why now?" she didn’t care that her voice sounded shaky, didn’t care that a tear left her eye as she kept standing there, her body tense. “You have no right to come into my life again, like this! Now tell me, why did you come here, do you feel guilty? Do you want to get rid of your guilty conscience? Guess what, you don’t get to do that! You don’t have the right to do that!"

She paused, channeling her anger she took a step towards him, then another and another until she stood right in front of him.

Her fists started hitting his chest. Hard. „YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT, YOU HEAR ME YOU ASSHOLE! YOU BROKE MY HEART, YOU STABBED IT AND YOU WALKED ON IT, AND NOW YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO COME HERE AFTER SEVEN YEARS AND SAY WHAT? I’M SORRY????"

Her fists started to hurt. He hadn’t moved, not an inch. He let her hit him, let her be angry at him.

She felt the warmth that radiated from his body. He was looking down at her, his eyes warm and full of regret. She let herself feel him, because despite everything he’d done, she had missed him, and she knew from the first day he’d caught her eye that he was it. She had found love at first sight and she knew that this was rare, almost impossible to find. As she was standing there, she could feel that she wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

Her body slammed into his. Her hands held onto his body as if it was the only thing keeping her standing. She felt his hand on her back. Rubbing small circles on her skin. She could feel every touch through the fabric of her thin dark blue t-shirt. His still so familiar scent invaded her senses, and she couldn’t resist to hold onto him tighter.

“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry I did this to you, to us. I know how much I hurt you and I promise to make it up to you for the rest of our lives. If you let me." He whispered into her hair.  
She let go of him, her feet carrying her away from him. “I can’t." She said. Tears filling her eyes. “I can’t trust you. I am afraid to trust you." Her voice was shaky as she turned around ready to leave but before she could make a step she felt his hand around her wrist, holding her back from walking away once again.

“I made the mistake of letting you go once in my live, and I won’t make it again. I love you, I’ve loved you all these years and I will love you until I take my last breath. I will make it up to you, I promise." He loosened his grip around her wrist and her hand slipped out trough his, their fingers touched until finally it was over and their hands separated.

“I know you mean it. I can tell that you’re telling the truth." She said sincerely. “Are you going to hurt me again?" She added almost shy. His gaze held hers as he said “ I can’t tell you that. What I can tell you is that I love you and that I never stopped loving you. I can tell you that I’ll give you everything and more. I’m giving you my heart. I don’t care as long as you let me be with you."

She didn’t think as she stepped forward and took his hand into hers. They walked in silence hand in hand. The door she had left open when she spotted him from her small window she closed now behind them. They were standing in her living room. An awkward silence lingering in the air around them.

“Would you like a drink?" She asked mostly to avoid any more silence. He just nodded and watched her leave the living room to enter the kitchen.

She nervously moved around, her mind running wild with thoughts she couldn’t place. She placed the glass she took out of the bright red cabinet above the sink in front of her. She was about to turn around when she felt him standing behind her. Caging her between the kitchen counter and his body, she stopped in her tracks, her muscles tensed while she waited for what was to come next. She felt his breath on her neck, felt her hair rise up like little antennas. He didn’t touch her, his cool breath tickling her skin, goosebumps erupted on her skin. She felt her body heating up. Making her want more, and he hadn’t even touched her yet. She felt his stubble scratching over her neck. The breath she was holding left her lungs. Her body leaned back until she could feel his broad chest on her back. She pushed her head back a little further, her ponytail on his neck.

His lips touched her skin.

Sensation flooded her body and she let herself lean further into him. His lips moved over her pulse point, sucking on it lightly. His hand came up holding her in place and steadying her at the same time over her breasts on her upper torso. His mouth wandered further down, kissing every inch of her shoulder. She could feel the wetness between her hot thighs, turning her on even more.

With a sudden movement he turned her around. She could feel his growing length on her stomach as he kept caging her in. He lifted his hand up and slowly removed her hair band. Her long hair fell down in waves around her face. They looked at each other. Neither of them talking. His hand cupped her cheek. She leaned into it, letting him caress her. He leaned in, his lips just inches from hers now as he stopped. She knew he was silently asking permission, she shut her eyes and closed the gap between their lips.  
The kiss was gentle, and slow. She opened her mouth, giving him better access. His tongue found hers, carefully stroking over hers, before then dipping over her lower lip. She moaned into the kiss, letting him know how much she wanted this.

His body pressed her into the counter. With smooth movement he lifted her up and let her down carefully on to the black marble kitchen counter. She spread her legs and pulled him. His hands played with the hem of her shirt on her back. He stroked over her back while kissing her senseless. She broke the connection, letting him take off her shirt.  
His rough long fingers drove over her back pulling her even closer into him. Her hands found his shoulders scratching over the soft fabric of his black shirt. He stepped back and removed it from his body. She watched him closely, her eyes roamed over his muscular torso and back up to his face.

A smile hushed over his features but faded as he watched her loosen her bra which landed on the wooden floor with a dull thud. His eyes darkened, filled with lust and passion as he crashed his lips onto hers. She felt his whole weight in the kiss and had to hold on to his shoulders to keep her balance. Her nails dug into his skin, scratching over his back and up to his neck before going over his skull. He growled into the kiss, lifting her up and moving them back in to the living room. He placed her on the couch and hovered above her, carrying his weight with his elbow. His lips traveling down her body not missing an inch of skin.

Arching her back upwards her skin touched his. His rough hands pressing her body back down which made him sigh. He smiled into her skin and traveled down her body further. His tongue stroking around her navel and down further to the hem of her skinny jeans. After a little more teasing, he moved down the couch and pulled her jeans and panties with him.

Her eyes closed on accord, she felt his hot breath on her clit, then his nose and finally his tongue. Her back arched upwards. His hand holding her pelvis down as the other teased the skin on her torso down to her breast.  
She could feel her orgasm building up deep down in her belly. Her hipbone arched upwards meeting up with his big hands keeping her in place. His tongue fucking her faster sending her over the edge giving her the most intensive orgasm she had ever experienced.

The sound of his name echoed loud through the room and it took her mere minutes to calm down from the high she just experienced.  
She opened her eyes and found his. He was watching her, his eyes dark, full with lust.

She looked at him questioningly tilting her head to the side. He stood up and watched her from above. Watched how she lay there at his mercy, his eyes never leaving hers as he stepped out of his trousers. Fully naked he stood above her. Her hand reached out, her fingertips touching his abs.

He got a hold of her wrist before she could touch his dick, his grip was firm but not painful. He never let go of it not once. He moved, softly laying down on top of her. She could feel the tip of his length at her entrance but he didn't move, didn't give her what she craved so much at this point. She knew once he was filling her, claiming her, there was no going back. From this point it would only go forward.

She didn't know what changed, but somehow, after barely an hour they had met again, she trusted him again. She couldn't explain it and she didn't want to. It was as if their souls combined again and her angst of getting hurt never even existed.

He held her wrists above her head in one hand. His touch travelled the length of her wanton form as they engaged in a silent conversation of need and desire. She was wet, and it turned him on even more.

He felt her move under him, trying to get him to move faster but he took his time. He wanted to savor every detail of this evening, of her skin, her whining under him, the lust she felt because of him and the way she made him feel. It was as if the love he felt for her came out from where he'd hidden for years. She made him feel it again and he finally felt at home.

He pushed inside. A gasp left her lungs as he stretched her. It was like she remembered it for all those years. It was almost as if she’d never left.

\----------------------------

She woke up covered in sweat. She sat up from her big bed in her bedroom upstairs and watched the moon that was already high in the sky, shining bright. She put her feet on the cold wooden floor and made her way into the bathroom. She got into the shower quickly to wash off the dream which felt so real. After she was dressed she then  
made her way down the stairs. On her way down she noticed movement down on the street.

She stopped in her tracks and what she saw made her blood freeze. There he was, standing next to his car panting. She put on some shoes that were lying around in the hallway. She opened the front door without another thought and walked down her driveway. It was already cold outside. The rain from the night before had stopped but the clouds weren't all gone yet.

A few feet away from him, in the shadow of a tree, she stopped. She watched him struggle with his thoughts when suddenly the neighbor’s dog started barking. She almost jumped out of her skin but could suppress the shriek that almost left her. She looked down on herself. She was wearing the exact same thing as in her dream.  
She couldn’t believe what was happening right in front of her. She didn’t understand anything anymore. How was this even possible? One minute she dreams something and the next it is actually happening?

Before he could say something, she raised her hand to stop him and forced herself back together.

“What are you doing here?" She asked a few seconds later as she found her voice again.

“I came to see you." He said slowly, his voice low but warm. She felt her stomach turn at his words, her dream coming back at her with full force. Her face got paler by the minute and she thanked god that it was already dark.

"I came to say that I’m sorry." He added as she didn’t respond. She kept eyeing him, not believing he was actually standing here right in front of her.

“What are you doing here?" she asked again, this time louder, almost shouting. She felt the anger she thought she had long forgotten rise up. She didn’t know why but suddenly the fact that she just had dreamed this whole scene was not important anymore. She wanted to shout at him, hit him. Make him feel the pain she felt when he made a decision that led to seven lonely years. Seven years they’d never be able to get back.

He took a step in her direction and reached out to her with his hand but she wasn’t ready. Her anger flowing through her veins keeping her focused but at the same time it also made her sad. This whole situation was so messy. So she stepped back trying to gather her thoughts and her voice.

“Why did you come? After all this years, why now?" she didn’t care that her voice sounded shaky, didn’t care that a tear left her eye as she kept standing there, her body tense. “You have no right to come into my life again, like this! Now tell me, why did you come here, do you feel guily? do you want to get rid of your guilty conscience? Guess what, you don’t get to do that! You don’t have the right to do that!"

She paused, channeling her anger she took a step towards him, then another and another until she stood right in front of him. The sadness she felt just a moment ago long forgotten.

Her fists started hitting his chest. Hard. “YOU DON’T GET TO DO THAT, YOU HEAR ME YOU ASSHEAD! YOU BROKE MY HEART, YOU STABBED IT AND YOU WALKED ON IT, AND NOW YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO COME HERE AFTER SEVEN YEARS AND SAY WHAT? I’M SORRY????"

Her fists started to hurt. He hadn’t moved, not an inch. He let her hit him, let her be angry at him.

She felt ther dream world once more breaking into the real one as the scene before her unfolded just as it had done before. She took a step back. Her eyes on him the whole time as she increased the gap between them.

“I can’t do this. I’m sorry." She said. “You have hurt me so much I thought I’d never recover from this heartbreak but I did, well kind of but that's beside the point here, what I was about to say was that I built a life here." She took a long breath and waited for him to say something but he didn’t. He just nodded his head in agreement.

He made an attempt to leave as he heard her voice again. “I didn’t say never." He turned around, slowly. “If you want we could start out as friends and see where it leads us. I just need to know I can trust you again before we start something new." Her hand found his as she continued. “You need to show me that you mean it this time. Show me that you want this and that I can trust you. If you do that I will forgive you.”

The air around them was quiet. The streets were only lit by the moon as it hid half behind a cloud. She felt him step forward. Squeezing her hand and pulling her into his embrace. She let him and after a moment she hugged him back.

Mere minutes passed when they finally let go. “I’ll call you tomorrow." She said and made her way up the driveway.  
“You don’t have my number,” he countered. He could see her walking backwards smiling at him. “Right, how could I forget," he said and waved one last time before the door closed behind her.

Standing there in the dark a smile formed on his lips the weight of seven years starting to leave his shoulders. Now he had the chance to make things right and he would not miss that opportunity. He’d show her that she was the love of his live and he would lay the world at her feet.

Today was the first day of the rest of their lifes. He was given another chance and he was going to use it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me your thoughts, comments and kudos guys!


	4. Highschool Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anon prompt:  
> Hey I was reading some of your fanfics on ao3 and I was wondering if you take requests? If you do I would love if you could write a linstead high school au where jay gets bullied a lot (by like other characters in the show) and Erin is like popular and really nice so one day she kind of like sees him getting bullied and helps him and overtime she sort of protects him in a way and they start to fall in love haha again sorry if you don't take fic requests! Thanks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prompt was sent to me on tumblr. Here you go Anon, I hope I did it justice.   
> Happy reading.

Hiding under an arcade, Jay was waiting for classes to start, so he'd make it safely to his. Ever since this morning, he was hiding. He accidentally bumped into the most popular girl in school, and as he was about to apologize, her gorilla boyfriend had gripped him by his collar and pushed him into the nearest wall. He had gotten lucky, because one of the teachers was walking the halls, so Kelly had to let go of him, but with the promise to find him again when nobody was around.

　

So, literally, worst day ever.

　

"You're late, Mr. Halstead." Mrs. Platt gave him a look before she continued. "Two pages on why that was the case, due tomorrow." She finished her sentence before she continued writing something down on the board in front of the class. He kept his head down, knowing Kelly was watching him from behind him. He knew this was going to be a long, long day.

　

\----------------------------------------------

　

"What happened, honey?" Jay's mom came running out of the kitchen as she saw her son approach. Jay's shirt was torn, and his knee was bleeding, as was his lip. "Was it the Severide kid again?" 

 

She grabbed him and pulled him into a hug. 

 

"It's ok, Mom, you should see the other guy." Jay tried to hide that he was hurt, but knew that he couldn't fool his mom. 

 

She took a step back to look at Jay. "That's it! I'm gonna call the school." 

"Please don't. You'd only make it worse. I can handle it, I promise," Jay pleaded. 

 

She laid her hand on his cheek, tilting her head to the side. "Ok. But if this doesn't stop soon, I'll call."

"What's for dinner, Mom?" Jay asked, hoping she'd drop the difficult topic.

"Lasagna."

"My favorite."

She ran her fingers through her son's short hair. "I know." 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

　

He'd be lying if he said he hadn't noticed how beautiful Kelly's girlfriend was. She was the most beautiful girl in school. And that meant she was way out of his league, the unpopular league, the duff league, the getting beaten up every day league. But there he was anyway, hiding in his spot again, his heavy backpack between his feet on ground. 

 

Jay was waiting under the arcade for class to start. He'd probably be late again, but this time, it wasn't so bad. Mr. Boden, the science teacher, liked him, because he knew about his situation at home. Jay didn't like that part so much, but Mr. Boden always treated him with respect and not pity, so that made it less painful. Jay appreciated that, and was glad to at least have someone on his side in this hell-hole of a school.

 

Her brown hair was hanging in waves over her shoulders. She was sitting between Kelly's legs, leaning against him but talking to another girl. Jay assumed it was her best friend Kim. He'd seen them together before, talking and laughing. Her pure skin, her beautiful laugh, her raspy voice, made her look like an angel. So near, but yet so unreachable. Jay caught himself staring once again. He grabbed his stuff and turned around, crashing into someone. 

 

'Not again,' he thought, while preparing to get beaten up again. 

 

Nothing happened. Instead, he heard a voice. Jay opened his eyes - he hadn't noticed he had closed them - and was now facing a skinny guy with dark blond hair.

"H- Hi," he managed to say. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...you know, crash into you."

The boy grinned sheepishly and extended his hand to Jay. "Hi, I'm Greg. But my friends call me Mouse."

Jay took the hint and shook Greg's hand. "Nice to meet you, Greg," he said shyly.

"You can call me Mouse."

"But I thought only your friends call you Mouse?"

"You are my friend," Mouse said, slapping Jay on the shoulder.

"I'm Jay."

Mouse smiled. "Nice to meet you, Jay." Noticing Jay looking over his shoulder, he followed his gaze. "Erin Lindsay, huh?"

"W-What?" Jay's eyes shot back to Mouse's face.

He slapped Jay on the shoulder again. "I don't blame you, she's a bombshell."

"No, you got it all wrong." Not sure if he was trying to convince Mouse or himself, he started walking to class.

Mouse caught up with him. "Wait for me, you gotta show me the way to science class." 

"When did you move here?" Jay heard himself ask as they walked the halls side by side. 

"A week ago. This is my first day in school, actually."

"How come you already know Erin?"

"C'mon! Is that really a question?"

Jay grinned. "True!"

\-------------------------------------------------------------

　

"There you are, Halstead."

 

Severide and his bunch of idiots were surrounding him again. Which wouldn't be so bad if he was alone, except now Mouse was standing next to him.

"Go away, Severide."

"Woohoo, JJ seems to have eaten some bravery for breakfast!" 

 

Laughter filled the air, and before Jay could react, Kelly's fist hit him in the face. He hit the ground, smelling the blood that was now running down his chin from the open wound on his lip.

"Stop it, Kelly. That's enough." 

 

Jay looked up and saw Erin pulling on Kelly's sleeve. 

 

"Stop it," she repeated, this time with force. Kelly looked at her, and without another look to the ground, grabbed her hand and pulled her out of there.

Mouse held out his hand. "C'mon, I'll help you up."

"Thanks." Jay reached for him and allowed himself to be pulled up.

"Does that happen a lot?"

"What do you think?" Jay's anger came through in his voice. Even though he knew it wasn't Mouse's fault, he felt anger towards him. "You shouldn't hang around with me," he added, regretting the words the moment they had left him.

"But I want to."

"You get beaten up if you hang with me."

"Then I'll hit back."

Jay's eyes went big. "Are you insane?" he asked in disbelief.

"No, why? I'm not afraid of these scumbags, and you shouldn't be either."

"You're crazy."

"No, I just refuse to be afraid."

"That's stupid."

"Maybe."

\----------------------------------------------------------------

 

Three weeks and twelve bruises later.

 

Jay's back hurt as he was pressed against his locker by none other than Kelly Severide. "Stop talking to my girl. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Good." Kelly loosened his grip on Jay. "If you talk to her one more time, you're dead." With that, Severide let go of him.

Jay was watching him walk away when he felt Mouse's presence next to him. 

 

"Everything ok?"

Jay nodded, keeping his eyes on his foe.

"You really need to start defending yourself."

"I know."

"You just say that to make me shut up."

"No, I would never."

"Shut up!"

Laughing, they changed subject.

"I need to go straight home after school, to study for the next science test." They started walking to class together.

"You don't need to study more, Mr. Boden will give you an A anyway."

"He gives me As because I deserve them," Jay said indignantly. Mouse started to laugh, and soon they both were.

\----------------------------------------------------------------

　

"Jay?"

The voice he heard behind him belonged to Erin. And that couldn't mean anything good. Jay refused to look back, and instead increased his speed, walking the last few feet to the exit and out to the street. 

"Jay, wait a second." Her raspy voice filled his mind, making him stop. Deep inside, he knew it was a bad idea. His brain told him to run, but something made him stop anyway. He turned around abruptly, causing her to walk right into him. Steadying her, Jay held on until he was sure she wouldn't fall.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you." He looked around, expecting Kelly to punch him.

Erin smiled. "Kelly isn't here."

"How did you...?" He looked at her, confused. 

 

She shrugged her shoulders. "It's obvious." 

"What do you want?"

"I need your help." She paused, and Jay noticed her taking a deep breath before she continued. "I couldn't help but notice that you are good in science. And I wanted to ask you if you could help me get my grades up."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because you're a good guy."

"Says who?"

"Me."

"You don't know me."

"That may be true, but you're my only hope. So, will you help me?"

Jay studied her for a moment. Their eyes locked, and he could tell that she was sincere.

"Tomorrow after school. Bring your books."

He didn't wait for an answer, leaving her standing there instead. While his stomach was full of butterflies, his mind was slapping him. He knew he'd regret his decision to tutor her.

　

\-----------------------------------------------

　

"Good day at school, hon?"

Jay, smiling like a kid that just got the car he had always wanted, sat down at the dining table waiting for his mom to serve dinner. "The best, Mom. The best."

　

\---------------------------------------------------------

　

The fact that he'd be studying with Erin tomorrow after school kept him from sleeping. He grabbed his walkie-talkie and switched it on.

".... over," Jay whispered.

"I'm here. over."

"What are ya doing?"

"Trying to sleep?! What are you doing?"

"Can't sleep." Rattled by the noise he heard from downstairs, he pulled the sheets over his head.

"Could that have anything to do with you talking to Erin this afternoon? Over."

"How?" Jay carefully checked to make sure he still was alone in his room as Mouse answered.

"I saw you two talking. You know he will find out, right? I am so proud of you."

"She wants my help."

"Doing what?"

"Getting her through science class."

"That's your chance."

"My chance for what?"

"To get her to fall in love with you, of course. What did you think?"

"You're insane. I'd be happy if I just made it through this semester. If Kelly finds out, I am a dead man, and you can come visit me at the cemetery."

"Take the chance." There was a pause. "My mom woke up. Got to go. See ya tomorrow. Over." And with that the line went dead. Jay lifted the sheets off his head and let himself fall back against the soft pillow. Carefully, he put the device into the drawer of his nightstand, and crossed his arms behind his head.

　

　

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

　

He hadn't seen Kelly the whole day. Even though he was careful, he'd usually run into him at least twice a day. But today, the guy seemed to have disappeared. Jay kept looking over his shoulder anyway, afraid he may walk into a trap like a few weeks ago, when Severide and his gang had suddenly had appeared behind him and forced his head into the toilet while one of them flushed it. Mouse had been home sick, so he had been all alone, and couldn't do anything about it. The only thing that had made them stop was Erin's voice calling them outside because another guy was hitting on a friend of hers.

　  
Everybody had left for the day, and the school was quiet. Jay was waiting for Erin. She was late already, and he was starting to think that it had all been a joke. He was about to leave when he saw her walking around the corner. 

 

She wore black skinny jeans and a yellow blouse than hung loosely over her hips. Her hair was pulled into a tight pony tail and was kept together by what looked like a red pencil. His eyes roamed over her body. She was smiling, and he could swear she was swinging her hips more than necessary. He tried to play it cool, but he wasn't sure if he was doing a good job. Probably not, by the way her smile was growing with every step she took to close the distance between them. She came to a halt in front of him, not invading his personal space but close enough that he smelled her perfume.

　  
"Where to?" she asked curiously.

"The library."

\-----------------------------------------

　

"Wow, you really are bad at this stuff."

Jay was explaining something for the third time, when he noticed her staring at him. He laid his pen down on the table next to his textbook. "What is it?" he asked cautiously.

Her shoulders hung as if she was carrying the weight of the world on them. "Why are you helping me?" 

"What do you mean?" 

 

She didn't answer, the silence between them growing heavy. 

 

"I'm helping you because you asked me," he finally said.

"As simple as that?" Her big brown eyes scrutinized him, awaiting an answer.

"As simple as that, yes. And because you're really bad at this stuff." 

 

Erin slapped his upper arm "Hey..." she joked, and they both started to laugh.

The time went by way too fast for Jay's liking, but eventually he had to head home. It was already early evening when they left the school, walking home together. The silence this time around wasn't heavy or difficult. It felt good.

Erin was the first to break it. "Thanks for helping me today."

"You're welcome."

"Can we do it again the day after tomorrow?"

Jay stopped walking and looked at her, surprise written all over his face. "You want me to help you study again?"

"Yes. You know, for a genius you sure seem stupid," she joked.

"But..."

"But what?" Erin asked fiercely.

"Won't Kelly mind?" Jay almost whispered.

"I don't care what Kelly says. I don't want to fail this class. My dad's going to kill me if I do." 

 

The look on her face made it very hard for Jay to say no. So he just said yes. 

 

Erin was so happy that she hugged him tight. He walked her home even though she said she would be fine going home alone.

She talked the whole way, telling him about stuff that happened in her life. Jay walked beside her, listening, nodding from time to time but never interrupting. He was interested in what she had to say, and he felt comfortable around her.

She stopped in front of a townhouse not far from where he lived. 

 

"That's me. Thanks for walking me home." She brushed her hand over his arm before she headed up the driveway that lead to her house. 

 

He watched her until she was inside before continuing on to his place.

　

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

　

Sometime during the night, Mouse's voice filled his bedroom. "Dude, how was it? Over." 

"Good. Over."

"Good? Is that all? Over."

Jay smiled into the darkness before answering his best friend. "It was nice."

"Tomorrow I want some details. Over and out."

"Night," Jay replied, but the line was already dead.

　

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

　

It had been two weeks since Jay started helping Erin, and up until today, he hadn't had any regrets. 

 

His day had started normally, and he was looking forward to spending the afternoon at his house with her. He'd been through the same old awful and painful torture that he went through every day, but knowing he was going to get to spend some time with the girl he had a crush on made it so much better. 

Jay went to school like he did every day. He didn't know what to expect, so he tried his best not to act any differently than he normally would. He was standing under the arcade like he always did, waiting for Mouse to join him. He used that time to search the crowd for Erin. 

 

He found her sitting next to her friends. She was wearing her hair down today. With her long brown locks gleaming in the sunlight, she looked like an angel.

　

"What are you looking at?" 

 

Kelly Severide stood in front of him, all tall and dangerous. Why he hadn't noticed him approaching was a mystery to him. 

 

Kelly pushed him away. "Get lost!" 

 

Jay stumbled backwards into the lockers. He hurt his shoulder, but didn't pay it any attention. "Or what?" he said, starting to get pissed. He knew he had to control himself at some point, because he knew he wouldn't stand a chance against the best Lacrosse player the school had ever had.

 

"Or I'll punch your teeth so hard they'll play Piano in your ass!" he hissed, so dangerously close to Jay that the latter could feel the spit out of Kelly's mouth.

　

"Enough!" Erin's voice broke the tension that hung over them like a cloud. 

 

Severide turned around. 

 

"What?" Disbelief was written all over his face as he watched his girlfriend stand in front of him, defending the loser. "Are you serious?" 

 

She stood her ground. "Let him be, Kelly. He's done nothing to you." 

　

They weren't alone anymore. A crowd had gathered, and a group of students was caging them in, hoping to get a glimpse of the action. Videos were made, but it was quiet otherwise, except for the sound of Erin's voice. 

 

"I said let. Him. Go." She walked around Kelly until she was standing next to Jay. Taking her hand into his, she pulled him away, through the circle of students into an empty hallway, not even stopping once to look over her shoulder.

　

Jay had let it happen. He had let her stand in for him. Him, the biggest loser in school. How could he do that? Now she was on the blacklist as well. Because of him, she'd be an outsider just like he was. She'd be doomed to sit with the geeks and duffs, and whatever other strange students this school had to offer. And all because he couldn't take his eyes off her. Because he'd been so in his thoughts about her, he had blocked out everything else around her.

　

"You need to go back to them." Jay stopped, as did she.

　

"What?" She turned around and watched him carefully, trying to figure out what he meant.

　

"You need to get back to them. Tell them you punched me for looking at you, tell them that it was all just a game," Jay said, his eyes on the floor beneath his feet.

　

"You were watching me?"

　

"Out of everything I just said, that's what you remember?"

　

She smiled.

　

He looked even more confused.

　

"Do you think I'm beautiful?" 

 

He noticed the sparkle in her eyes as she asked him that question.

　

"Yes," he whispered. Then, a little louder, "is that a trick question?" As he looked up at her, he found her smiling. And not just any smile, no, a smile so beautiful he was sure it was not of this world.

　

"God, you are breathtaking," he mumbled.

　

"You're not so bad yourself, Jay Halstead."

　

Laughter filled the hallway. Closing the gap between them, she invaded his personal space. 

　

"I'm serious. Please believe me. I don't care what others say. I got to know you these past few weeks, and from what I can tell...you are one of the nicest, cutest guys I know." Her lips brushed over his cheek where she placed a gentle kiss onto his skin.

　

Jay took her hand in his. "God, I really like you." 

　

Smiling she looked at their combined hands and back into his eyes. "I like you too."

　

End


End file.
